托福独立写作范文及名师批改（健康生活下）

西安雅思托福培训机构为大家分享托福独立写作范文及名师批改，自我检测一下，有没有存在相同的问题，进一步完善自己的写作！

（接上篇）

On the other hand Secondly, the increasingly intense competition brings tension and anxiety to people's life, leading to extremely unbalanced lifestyle governments emphasize mainly on economic growth, failing to advocate that citizens lead a sound lifestyle. 【这个和政府的关系是？】主旨句⼀一定要紧扣题干，没重视什么，⽽而是重视了什么The g Governments in developing world has been concentrating on GDP and stock market whild , ignoring the spiritual world  as well as physical well-being of ordinary people. Citizens have been encouraged to work as hard as possible so as to earn more money. Failing to stress the importance of exercise, social life and family time, governments have not shouldered the responsibility of helping people establish a balanced outlook on life. For instance, it has been estimated that analysts at JP Morgan work for 18 hours or more every day on average. They work insanely hard because Wall Street encourage them to do so. And who encourages Wall Street to do so? The government. It is obvious that there is large room for improvements in governments’ work.  For example, in Renmin University - one of the best universities in Asia - approximately seven students commit suicide out of stress from academia and labor market every year. It is such a shame that China cultivated so many smart and dilligent  failed to see them make continuous contribution to society. Despite impressive economic growth, a survey done by Tsing Hua University shows that Chinese citizens har becoming increasingly stressed and upset. It is getting extremely difficult for people to survive in urban cities like Beijing and Shanghai because of the strikingly high living cost and incredibly severe stress from labor market.[论点和题⺫⽬目联系不够紧密，论证的相关侧重点和题⺫⽬目要求也是有⼀一定的偏差的]! Hence, governments should focus on improvements in the following aspects. First, govenments should guide people's view on delicious but unhealthy food and emphasize the importance of adopting a healthy diet. Second, governments should educate firms and employees that money is not everything. The true source of happiness lies in a euphoric mood and inner peace. Last but not the least, govenments should see to balanced development of society because a great deal of probems torturing people come from the twisted and incomplete structure of industries and labor market. 【建议这种政府措施分别在主体段中进⾏行阐述，不要单独成段了，有些突兀】!

However, it is not to say that governments have done nothing about unbalanced lifestyle and eating disorder; the problem is that their efforts are not effective enough. For example, despite the fact that the Sanitary Department have banned schools from selling snacks rich in oil and salt, school cafeteria are still permitted to provide french fries to students. Although government spokesmen are advocating that people make full use of their vacations to relax, they have not made longer vacations available to the wage-earner class. ! In closing, even though governments are trying to educate people the importance of a balanced lifestyle and healthy eating, they have not done a very good job. Sufficient and continuous efforts are required if governments truly wish to make a difference for the welfare of people.!

1、Topic Development：! ⾸首段话题展开，有⽴立场，但观点的个⼈人⾊色彩不是很浓！!

2、Organization:! 总分结构，主体段落部分有三个论述段，没有总结段！!

3、Language use:! ⽤用词⽐比较丰富，句式还算多样化，有⼀一些语法和拼写错误，详⻅见批注！!

4、Strength:! 结构完整，论证充分！!

5、Weakness:! 结构不完整，对题⺫⽬目没有研究透，段落构思出现脱离题⺫⽬目的倾向，⽽而且段落编排也不是很好!

6、Improvement:! 同学独⽴立写作的总结段还是要有的，同时对段落的构思和编排失当，同时语⾔言还有⼀一定的提⾼高空间，建议巩固语法和词汇并参考范⽂文的布局谋篇和遣词造句，以优化⾃自⼰己的写作！!

Independent Task!

Level ：Fair!

2.75!

18!

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托福独立写作范文及名师批改（健康生活上）

托福独立写作范文及名师批改（上篇）

托福独立写作范文及名师批改（下篇）